Day 57: 11/7/11 - "Whatever"

"I'm doing the best I ever did

I'm doing the best that I can

I'm doing the best I ever did

Now go away..."

-"Whatever" by Godsmack

Racism, Sexism, Librarianship, and the American Presidency: I know, strange entry but this was the topic of conversation during an impromptu meeting in my office today when two of my colleagues dropped in on me.  It was very enlightening and an engaging discussion.  I won't go into the gory details (when talking about the presidential race, it can only be called gory these days), but suffice it to say that I'm not the only one concerned about the state of affairs in my field and in this country.  It's hard for me to sometimes understand why there is still so much misunderstanding in the world...until I realized that the conversation we had today would be beneficial if the whole world could talk as openly and freely.  But we all know that there is no way that will happen.  I'm worried about the direction this country is heading...not because of who is currently in office, but because of who might wind up in office if the negative trend towards the current president and his party continues.

Not Ready: I'm leaving for a conference on Wednesday and I haven't even begun to think about what I'll take with me.  I need to check the weather in Atlanta to see what I need to pack and decide how I will dress.  I guess I should be more worried about the conference itself and my presentation but I'm truly not concerned about it.  I might even say, I don't care one way or the other.

That's a Hat?  What do you do when you try to make a hat and it doesn't come out right?  You turn it in to a candy bowl and fill it with good stuff.  I know what you are thinking - bad idea having that much candy on hand.  But I find that I have no trouble limiting myself to only one a day when they are at home.  It's when it is at work that I tend to gorge myself on the candy that is set in front of me.  This way I don't eat it nearly as much.

Penn State Scandal: I'm saddened and sickened by the scandal at Penn State.  The willingness of others to overlook the deviance of someone else, even when the evidence is staring them right in the face, is astounding.  People prefer to turn their heads and pretend not to see.  And the others, the brave ones who speak up, get ignored, or mistreated. I think we have it backwards, people.  Don't punish those who are trying to find for the rights of innocents.  Punish the abusers.  I'll keep fervently hoping for that, even as I watch other stories pop up on the news with similar plot lines.

Day 56: 11/6/11 - "The Earth Stopped Cold at Dawn"

"Another reason to doubt me

Another tear drop falls..."

- "The Earth Stopped Cold at Dawn" by Hootie & The Blowfish 

Past Acts of Kindness: Today I found myself thinking of times in the past when people were nice to me for no reason...or at least for no reason that I could see.  I don't mean things like, holding open doors or simply saying hello.  I mean things that were really unexpected or meant to make me feel better when it wasn't there responsibility to do so.  Here are those memories:

• Square Dancing - 7th Grade (I think): BB picked me to be his partner when I wasn't the last girl to be picked.  We had randomly been paired the year before (I felt bad for him because I know no one wanted to be my partner).  The next year when it was time to do the stupid square dancing, BB picked me right away.  I remember thinking how nice he was to do that (he was always nice to me and I remember him fondly from high school - unlike a few others that I have tried to forget).
• Lunch - 12th Grade: This was the one that I tell others about even to this day because it just shows how mean others can be...and how a few brave souls avoid falling into that trap.  It was lunch time and because of testing schedules, I was eating lunch at an earlier time than normal.  This meant that the friends I usually ate with were eating at a different time and I didn't have anyone to eat lunch with.  I didn't think anything about it and remember just grabbing an empty seat in the cafeteria after I bought my lunch.  About five minutes later two of my friends, MH and MS, popped up and asked to sit with me.  Of course I said yes, it was always good to see both of them and we usually had a good time when we got to sit and talk.  About three minutes after they sat down, K, a girl that I had never had a problem with and one who had always been nice to me, walked up to the table and gave me a funny look.  Then she ignored me and told MH and MS that they could come join her at her table, there was room for them.  I looked over at her table of "popular" kids, mostly girls, and figured that MH and MS would jump at the chance to sit there.  But both of them very politely said "no thanks" and that they were fine where they were.  K didn't seem to believe them but walked away anyway.  As soon as she was gone I glanced at both MH and MS and told them that they could go sit at that table if they wanted to - I didn't mind.  MS shook his head and said that they were fine where they were, and MH nodded in agreement and kept right on eating.  I remember feeling almost normal that day, for one of the few times in my life.  The cool kids chose to sit with me and even after I told them they could move, they stayed.
• Spring Dance - 8th Grade: I went to the dance event though I really didn't want to.  And sure enough I found myself sitting in the bleachers alone, watching everyone else dance, and feeling sorry for myself.  Then MK and his date JF, approached me and MK asked me if I wanted to dance.  I looked at him as if he had lost his mind, especially since JF was his date and girlfriend at the time, but they had talked and both agreed that MK could dance with me.  I turned him down, partially due to embarrassment but also because he was there with his girlfriend and should dance with her, not someone he felt sorry for.  And though I was initially upset by the offer, I now look back on it fondly as the effort of two people to try to do something nice for me (though I definitely didn't need the pity party).

These are all from my childhood and I find that I am unable to come up with any examples from recent history - though I'm sure there have been some. I wonder why I don't seem to notice them as much.  Or maybe its because I feel as if the acts are done with some ulterior motive in mind.  I know I have an ulterior motive in mind whenever I do something nice for someone else.  I won't say what that motive is, since I don't think others would understand, but its there none the less.

Cleaning Day: Nursing a huge headache and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to clean my apartment today.  It was such a mess and though not perfect now, it definitely looks better.  Of course, I still have a headache and now I also have a bad case of the sniffles.  I suspect my sinuses are not happy right now.

Day 55: 11/5/11 - "Make Yourself"

"If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache

At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes

Then you crumble and blow away..."

- "Make Yourself" by Incubus

Pain!  I finished my run today.  Though they seem to be getting more painful as I go along, I know that if I don't get back to running regularly, there is no chance I'll lose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last year.  Today I didn't have my legs while I was running.  I knew it as soon as I set out, not even 1/4 mile into the run and my legs were aching and felt like jello.  I also realized that I felt slower (though a check of the clock told me that I had finished in a similar time as last week).  About twenty feet from the turn around point my left knee started hurting.  Feels like the knee cap is being hit with every stride.  I suspect that it is just arthritis beneath the knee cap (similar to what they cleaned up on my right knee while they were fixing my menisci).  Both my knees and my left hip and my legs are hurting mercilessly.  I want to take one of my anti-inflammatory pills but I'm not sure how it will interact with my thyroid medication.  I'll have to wait until I can get back to the doctor to find out.

No Dreams? I know that I must be dreaming when I sleep but for once I'm not remembering my dreams at all.  I don't know if this is good or bad, since I often have nightmares that I wish I could forget or dreams that are so beautiful and so close to what I want, that I find myself saddened when I wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  I guess you can't have it both ways - either you dream and get used to the idea of remembering them and deal with the bad ones.  Or you don't remember your dreams and you don't worry about it.

New Symptoms: So my newest symptoms are both odd and slightly alarming.  First, I've noticed that my eyes are bothering me more than usual.  I'll have to get that checked out soon so that I don't wind up with some sort of permanent damage.  The odd symptom has been a chance in my taste buds.  Things that used to take fine to me tend to taste sour.  I'm leaning towards preferring bland foods (not something I would normally say) and my sweet tooth is turning into a savory tooth as I crave salty things over sweet things.  Not sure if this is truly related to the medicine or if I'm just being quirky...

Day 54: 11/4/11 - "Fallen"

"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..."

- "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan

Tired: I'm tired of it all right now.  Tired of thinking too hard.  Tired of failing.  Tired of not being good enough.  I wonder if this type of "tired" is worse for my health than physically being tired?  Do they manifest in the same way?  I know this type of tired won't respond to sleep like my physical fatigue. I even suspect that it will only get worse.

Dreams: One of my staff members asked me today why I had given up on my dreams and I could only give her half of the truth.  The whole truth was too hard, too embarrassing for me to admit to her or to anyone else in public.  What is the truth?  I'm not smart enough to make my dreams come true successfully.  I'm scared of the failure I know I would be.  The part I could tell her?  That I did not want to be selfish and hurt my family by going after my dreams.  They think I'm successful - I don't want them to know just how wrong they are.

Day 53: 11/3/11 - "Missing"

"Back on the train

I ask why did I come again

Can I confess?

I've been hangin' 'round your old address

And the years have proved

To offer nothin' since you moved

You're long gone

But I can't move on"

-"Missing" by Everything But the Girl

Insomnia is Back: My pendulum of sleep has swung back to "cannot go to sleep or stay asleep" levels.  Of course this means I'm still tired all day and even more so now that I'm not getting as much sleep as before.  What do you do when you have high levels of fatigue but cannot sleep?  What's the right solution?

Old Friends: I got to speak to an old friend tonight.  It was good to hear her voice and good to talk to her.  It also reminded me that I miss my friends from Tennessee and North Carolina.  I'm continuing to reevaluate what is most important for me now and I'm struggling to come to a conclusion.  What if I make the wrong choice again? Will I be the only one who pays for my inability to make sound decisions or will I wind up hurting others like I've done in the past?  Am I to blame for all that has gone wrong?

Day 52: 11/2/11 - "Me"

"I am carrying my voice

I am carrying my heart

I am carrying my rhythm

I am carrying my prayers

And it's me who is my enemy

Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters

Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love...

I am walking on the bridge

I am over the water and I'm scared as hell

But I know there's something better

Yes, I know, yes, I know, yes, I know....

...But it's me..." 

Did I take your favorite toy when I was young?  I mean really, what did I do to make the Universe be so pissed off at me?  Did someone paint a "kick me" sign on my aura and then send out the hounds?  There is no way I can succeed with the roadblocks being placed in front of me.  So I guess I'm going to have to divert my path and head in another direction.  Because something tells me that if I try to go through the roadblock something is going to get broken, and that something is me. 

Two Down...Two squares to go on my first baby afghan of what I'm calling "baby season 2011-12."  It's kind of nice to be able to see how the squares are going to fit together and I'm feeling more confidant that I'll be able to finish the afghan before the end of next week (which would be a miracle!).

Genealogy: I'm still plugging away with the Franklin County marriage book - I'm making some real dents in getting maiden names for a lot of the younger women in 1900.  This is such a powerful thing for those doing research and trying to make connections.  It's funny how I'm finding it exciting to find information on someone else's family.  Of course I want to see information on my family, but the research is important to me as well.

Day 51: 11/1/11 - "Shattered"

"In a way I need a change from this burnout scene

Another time, another town, another everything..."

- "Shattered by O.A.R.

I Feel Heavier...As if some great weight, something even heavier than all of the mess I'm already carrying, was just thrown across my shoulders.  This weight is new and I can't seem to put my finger on it, but it feels almost real with its mass, bearing down on me, making my back and legs hurt; making my neck strain as I try to remember to straighten up; making my head hurt; and making anything I do seem to be the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

What Would You Change?  Talk about a loaded question.  I posted on FB that I wanted to start my life over (knowing what I already know now), and one of my friends asked me what I would change.  There is no way I'm posting that on FB because the list would be too long and also too personal.  But I'll post parts of it here so that I can at least get some of this off of my chest:

• I would avoid the abuse that I suffered for so many years.  No one should have to endure that and though I survived, it is a set of memories that I could live without.
• I would have never put chemicals in my hair (sounds simplistic, but you have to understand the cost - mental, physical, monetary - that goes along with putting chemicals in your hair.
• I would have played more sports and taken up tennis at an earlier age.
• I would have insisted that I be taken to the doctor for my continuous medical issues instead of suffering from them for so many years.
• I would have gone to a different college - I loved OU but it was not where I needed to be.

That's the short list and the only one I'm willing to print.  Yes, if I could start over with the knowledge I have now, I would...