Day 50: 10/31/11 - "Red Light"

"At a red light in the sunshine

On a Sunday

Nothin' to say

Don't even try

Some are comin' home

Some are leavin' town

While my world's crashin' down

On a Sunday

In the sunshine

At a red light"

- "Red Light" by David Nail

I've Lost My Mind...I'm starting to find myself snapping at people and smarting off (sort of) when I feel like I'm being insulted by someone.  The sarcasm practically rolls off of me in waves, as does my impatience.  Today I tried to hold my tongue as someone talked down to me as if I wasn't smart enough to do my job or even understand something basic.  Like I had not just done this twice just a few months ago.  Give me some credit for being able to not only do my job but also to remember how I did it in the first place!  I don't need you or anyone else to belittle me that way.

Irony, Coincidence, Happenstance?  Sometimes things happen and I find them strange, but lately I've started to wonder if there is something else going on that I should pay attention to.  For starters, why is it that often when I glance at the clock, whether on my computer, my phone, the wall, or my bedside, I notice that the time is 9:12.  For those who don't know, this is my birthday.  Then, on Saturday while I was running, "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood came on my iPod and right as she said, "one tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass," I looked down and saw shattered clear glass on the sidewalk.  Okay, so there is a lot of broken glass out on the streets and sidewalks - the odds of my seeing broken glass were pretty good.  I kept running and on the way back (3.2 miles into my run) I was listening to "Smack That" by Akon and right as he says "Lamborghini Gallardo," what do I see, but a white Lamborghini.  Now, broken glass is definitely more than common down here in Texas, but not Lamborghinis!  I know, it doesn't mean anything, but wow is it interesting!

Health: I'm still not feeling well despite my best efforts.  I'm grouchy most days (this is putting it mildly) and downright bitchy most days (I don't know if it is the frustration, the sadness, or the depression that is manifesting as anger...or maybe all 3).  Today I went through and processed all of my bills and of course I received another blow when I saw just how broke I was.  Will this be the way life is every day for me forever now?  Will I continue to struggle to even make ends meet for the rest of my life?  When will I get something for me?

Day 49: 10/30/11 - "Smile"

"At worst I feel bad for a while,

But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile..."

- "Smile" by Lily Allen

Greenfields: Today, in my effort to save on gas (I don't get paid until Tuesday and I'm trying to hold out on the filling up the tank ordeal until then), I decided to walk up to Greenfields Market to get some avocados (on sale for 3/$1).  The weather was nice but I overdressed (it was cooler yesterday).  It took me 1 hour and 43 minutes to walk 5.15 miles, including stopping at HEB on the way back to get a newspaper and waiting on the lights in order to cross the road safely.  I doubt I'll do it every weekend (my knee hurts worse after today than yesterday), but it looks like a pretty good means of getting exercise.

Southwest Contest: So I am playing around with the Southwest contest to win a major amount of travel points.  They asked me to upload a video saying why I should be the winner and though I don't have a true video camera, I discovered that my little digital camera will record video and does it pretty well!  I doubt I'll win (though, wouldn't it be nice to be able to go anywhere I wanted to - especially to see my family, without worrying about the cost?), but I at least have to try.  I guess I still have those big dreams of one day being famous and being on TV.  Maybe people would like me then...

What Am I Missing?  I keep having the sensation that I'm missing something.  Not like a tangible thing but something else.  Like everyone else knows something that I don't, and because I don't know it, I'm missing out.  What is this secret thing that I can't quite describe and how do I get in "the know" about it?

Day 48: 10/29/11 - "Wish You Were Here"

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in..."

- "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

5.5 Miles: That's how far I ran today...outside...for the first time in months.  I'm hoping it was because my medicine is finally kicking in and giving me back some of my energy.  It could also be because the weather was so much cooler I could actually run without sweating so much that I lost all of my nutrients.  I can never replace them fast enough, especially when I'm running outside.  I actually ran the entire time as well and didn't have to walk at all.  So I'm feeling a little more accomplished than before.  My time wasn't great and I know I likely was only running about 4.5 mph (I used to average 5.5 or higher), but I need to remind myself that I accomplished something today and I should be proud.  My poor knee isn't too happy about it though.  I didn't have any trouble while I was running but it is store and stiff now, so I'll have to give it some TLC.

Genealogy Research: I started doing my genealogy research again today.  It's been a while since I worked on the project and it felt good to get back to the "finding" part of things.  I have the Franklin County Marriage's 1884-1903 book right now and I'm checking it with my 1910 census records.  I hope to check it with a few other times too but that will have to wait to see if I can actually get through 1900 before I have to return the book to the library that it was borrowed from.  I also split time with knitting today, though I know I need to be writing.  I just don't have the motivation right now.  Speaking of motivation...

Motivation: I have none when it comes to work.  I don't understand why even thinking about my job makes me want to curl into a ball and sob.  Not a good feeling to have at all.  I remember the drive I had when I first started.  Is it just the fact that my hormones are out of whack right now?  Or is it something else?  Am I blinding myself to some important truth while I try to find a way to encourage myself to keep working?  Who is this person who feels like a complete waste of space?

Day 47: 10/28/11 - "Emotions"

"In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotions taking me over

Caught up in sorrow 

Lost in the song"

- "Emotions" by Destiny's Child

One Down...I finished one of the four squares for the baby blanket so I'm feeling pretty good about getting it finished in the next couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how the whole thing is going to fit together even though the instructions seem straight forward.  It also looks like I did a nice job of estimating the amount of yarn so I shouldn't run out.  I'm also thinking about this method as a way of creating other items, larger blankets, etc.  Maybe I'll create something for myself one day?

Wardrobe Malfunction: Today was one of those days where I put on my clothes this morning and I didn't feel bad about the way I looked.  Of course, this means that there was something wrong with what I was wearing.  One of my staff members was nice enough to inform me that I had a hole in the back of my pants.  And it wasn't just a small hole. So not only am I going to have to trash my favorite pair of jeans (the ones that still fit!), I was also showing my underwear to anyone who was walking behind me!  I had to wear a sweater around my waist for the rest of the day (how embarrassing)...

Language Skills: I'm starting to worry that there is something wrong with me.  Lately, when I speak, I find myself having trouble locating the word I want to use or not putting words in the proper order.  And some times I just start making things up, like today.  I meant to ask someone if they had seen one of my colleagues recently.  But for some reason I couldn't think of the word "recently" so I asked them if they had seen her "soon ago." Though we all got a laugh out of it, I don't like the fact that I put together words to create something that I should have been able to simply say.  I'll have to keep an eye on this as I go along...

Day 46: 10/27/11 - "I Dare You to Move"

"I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to life yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened before"

- "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Sneak Peak: I'm making headway into my next knitting project.  Here is a sneak peak at the baby blanket I'm making for a friend who is due soon!  I hope I can finish it and get it to her before the baby arrives, but if not, I'm sure she will still find much use for it even after the baby is born.  This is also a good way to time how long it takes for me to make this particular blanket since I'm planning to make it at least 1 more time for another friend who is due in late November.  Too many babies, too little time!

Surprise Text Present: My brother sent me a picture through text today and at first I almost didn't look at it.  Sometimes he sends me silly things (not that I don't need a laugh) and I wasn't in the mood for it today.  But I decided to look and it was a picture of my youngest nephew!  I haven't seen him in 2 years since Christmas and I've been wondering how he was and what he looked like now.  My brother took a picture of him while he was sleeping (so angelic!) and sent it to my mom and me.  He says that he is back in Decherd so I hope it means he'll get to see him more.  I keep telling my brother that it is never too late.

World Series: So I'm watching what I hope will be the last game of this year's World Series.  Texas is up by 3 in the 7th inning and though nothing is ever written in stone, this team just seems like it is right on target to take it all.  I'm glad since I've become attached to them.  I guess it's okay to have an American League team since the odds of them playing my Cubs is slim to none.

Day 45: 10/26/11 - "Quasimodo"

"you can be right
and I'll be real
honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel
cause I don't need your approval
to find my worth
I'm trapped inside of my own mind
afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I
don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

does it scare you that I can
be something different than you
would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't
you can't control me
and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back

have you ever felt
like your only comfort was your cage
you're not alone
I've felt the same as you
have you ever felt
like your secrets give you away
you're not alone
I've been there too
cause everyone is looking
and everyone is laughing but I think
everyone feels the same
everybody wants to feel ok
everybody wants to
everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
cause I don't want it
I don't want it
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes"

- "Quasimodo" by Lifehouse

Quasimodo: I rarely list the lyrics to a full song, because normally it is only a line or two that catches my ear, grabs my attention, and makes me nod and say "yes, that is me today."  But when "Quasimodo" came on my iPod this morning, I nearly tripped on the treadmill as I was reminded of why I like the song to begin with...and why it truly speaks to me, of me, about me.  Read the lyrics closely and then think about the title of the song - then you'll get it.

Adding Another One to the List: I have a short (but getting longer) list of holidays that I absolutely loathe!  At the top of my list?  Valentine's Day.  Never liked it, likely never will.  Christmas is a close second, mostly because of how commercialized it has become.  No one even remembers what it should be about any more.  And now I'm adding Halloween.  When did it become about debauchery?  What's up with the skimpy outfits for teens and pre-teens?  And the cost of costumes and candy?  Halloween is supposed to be for kids and I'm beginning to think that there are too many adults taking this holiday over.  Maybe I'm just jealous because I had to stop trick or treating when I was nine because of my height.

So Shaky: I think its the new medicine but I've been so shaky (internally) these last few days.  It feels like I have shock waves pulsing through my legs and arms and I just know that my heart is going to start beating right out of my chest.  Luckily no one else can see the trembling (yet) and my heart isn't actually racing so I know its all in my head.  Now I just need to get it out of my head!

Day 44: 10/25/11 - "Want To"

"We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came..."

- "Want To" by Sugarland

Piling On: That's what it feels like right now, like everything is just piling on.  Here I am trying to feel better and trying to pick up my spirits, despite the sadness lingering over my life.  And then I get another announcement from a friend about their impending happiness, or someone posts new pictures and I'm ten steps back from where I was.  The tears come much quicker now than ever before.  I've already cried twice today and I know I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.  Sometimes you just know these things.

Baked Goods: My students made cupcakes and brought in pumpkin pie today for their class presentations!  I was surprised that they followed through (well, the pie group.  My cupcake group likes to bake!).  I tried a piece of the pumpkin pie (did not like it and won't eat it again!), but I couldn't finish it.  The cupcakes were tasty though and my students used the recipe I use for their buttercream.  It came out nice (and they colored it).  Sorry, no pictures for this one, I didn't have my camera.

Balancing My Life:  I read the chapter that my students have to read for class on Thursday and it made me laugh because it reminded me that I needed to learn how to balance my own life.  How can I talk to my students about balancing when I have none of my own?  I need to find time for myself somewhere in my life.  Even if I have to start doing things on my own, at least I need to start doing them.