"I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air..."
-"Not the Doctor" by Alanis Morissette
Rethinking Everything: I'm not sure why this weekend turned out the way it did, but it has led me to sit down and rethink everything about my life. I'm not just talking about the surface things, like how I wear my hair or how I dress. I'm talking about deeper things, like what I believe in and what I believe to be true and right. I've always held myself to a pretty rigid code of ethics and I've stuck by it no matter what. But now I'm starting to think that I need to relax this code and really consider why I have held myself to such high standards all my life. I try not to second guess myself or my decisions. But I'm doing that now, and not just for my recent decisions. I'm thinking about decision I made five, ten, even twenty years ago. Of course, I realize how futile this is, but that doesn't mean I'm able to stop it. It's like the floodgates have opened and everything that I wanted to forget about myself has come flooding back in. Tonight I'm sleeping on my couch because my bed makes my back hurt. I just don't know if I'll actually get any sleep since I'm pretty sure my brain will be working overtime to process all of the crap that I've let back in.
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