Year 2, Day 38: 10/19/12 - "No One Is to Blame"

"You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost...
...No one, no one, no one ever is to blame"

-"No One is to Blame" by Howard Jones

Sometimes I Hate Doctors  And not just because they tend to take my blood, or make me wait longer than anyone should have to, or because they tend to ask you really uncomfortable questions and then poke and prod you.  No, that's almost bearable.  What I really hate is when one of them patronizes you or treats you like you're an idiot when all you've done is tell them what they asked.  Today I had a doctor say to me "something's not ringing true here" after I told him what my symptoms were and weren't.  In other words, "you're lying."  I was not amused.  I continued to talk to him, told him my medical history, my family history, etc., etc., ad nauseum. He finally started listening to me and suggested that I see a specialist (I actually agree with im).  He also gave me an expensive prescription that my prescription plan is refusing to cover (for now, I'm not paying for it until someone tells me what the hell is going on with Medco).  Oh well, same old same old for me and my odd symptoms.  I even told the doctor that both of my previous surgeries were preceded by symptoms that didn't match the final diagnosis (he disputed this as well, said I must have been wrong).  He's lucky I didn't throw something at him.

And Now For the Kicker  So I got my $3,000 reimbursement for my moving expenses today, all $2,091 of it.  What, you say?  That's not $3,000?  $2,091 doesn't equal $3,000? This isn't some strange exchange rate issue?  Oh well, according to FIU, since the reimbursement is taxable, they add it to your paycheck and then tax it fully - so Uncle Sam took almost $900 of my reimbursement money that I now have to come out of pocket to pay for since I was holding off on a couple of bills until I got that money.  So, when FIU says that they offer $3,000 in moving expenses, it's bull shit.  They don't offer $3,000 because Uncle Sam takes his piece.  Want to know the really shitty part?  If I had gone with one of their over-priced moving companies, they would have paid them directly, which means that it would have been the full $3,000 (all of them quoted me over $3,000 to move me, which is why I declined and moved myself...thinking I would get at least $3,000 of the money I spent back).  I know that I eventually would have had to pay taxes on that money, but I can guarantee that if they had added 3,000 to my final amount that I report to the IRS next year, I would not have been writing a check to Uncle Sam for over $900.  How do I know this?  Because UTSA reimbursed me for all of my moving expenses (well over $5,000) and when I did my taxes, the only reason I had to pay was because of the trip to Paris that I won (which was over $12,000), and even then I paid a total of $1300.  So, I added 17,000 of untaxed money to my overall income and payed $1300.  FIU puts $3,000 into my  paycheck for Uncle Sam to tax directly and they take over $900.  So....not...fair.  I'm adding this to my "if I had known" list.  You know, the one that says, if someone had bothered to tell me this shit, I would have kept my stupid ass where it was.  But of course, hindsight, rear view mirrors, etc., etc.  I'll get off of my soap box now...but beware - this is a question that you have to ask.  I never knew to ask because of my four employers, this is the first one who has done this.  The FIRST one.   

And Now, The Full First Chapter of Four Crossings. I had two requests for "more" from the excerpt I posted of my book, so I'm going to post the entire first chapter.  Beware, for those reading, this book is not PG - I'd call it R rated just to be on the safe side, though I don't think it gets that bad.  This ain't juvie lit!

Chapter 1

Desdemona Quinn’s bottom lip was split, there was a small cut dripping blood over her left eye, and she was pretty damn sure that she had a few bruised ribs.  But she was winning.

            She stood there in the middle of the encaged ring and slowly stalked the man trying to fight his way back to his feet.  She had long ago blocked out the raucous cheering of the watching crowd.  They weren’t her concern.  But now that victory was imminent, she allowed much of the noise to seep back in.

            She glanced to her right and caught sight of a small girl, her face heavily bruised, her eyes full of some indefinable emotion.  Then she caught the eye of the woman standing guard over the girl, identical emerald green eyes sharing a silent moment.  Then the other woman spoke.

            “Finish it, Des.”

            Des couldn’t hear her, but she could read her lips.  She nodded, took two steps and with a deceptively smooth motion, slammed her heavy, steel-toed boot into the back of the man’s head.  He went down with a thud and stayed there.

            Des stood over him for a long moment before she turned and left the ring.  She walked with her head held high, her back straight despite the pain shooting through her ribs.  The cage door was opened and she ducked through and out into the crowd which parted easily for her exit.

            She went to the other woman and knelt in front of the young girl.

            “You’re safe now, little one.  He won’t hurt you again.”

            The girl’s large brown eyes filled with tears and she launched herself into Des’s arms.  Des fought back a flinch at the pain the impetuous embrace caused, but it was a hurt she would gladly bear.  She returned the girl’s hug and then easily set her away from her.

            “Esme is going to take you to the main transfer station.  You should be back home in no time.”

            The girl’s eyes widened in surprise, “I get to go home?”

            Des smiled at her, “Yeah, little one.  Four Crossings is no place for you. And your family misses you very much.”

            The girl’s eyes widened further and she began to tremble slightly.  “I d-didn’t think they’d want me back.”

            Des felt a sadness fill her but she did not betray the emotion to the girl.  She knew all too well what it felt like to not be wanted.  She shook her head at the girl, “They want you back very much. So much so that they offered a reward for your return.”

            The girl couldn’t hide her surprise or her growing happiness.  Des had stretched the truth slightly, but the girl didn’t need to know that.  She stood and moved away from the girl, sharing another look with the other woman.

            “It’s time.”

            Esme nodded and guided the girl away.  Des watched them disappear into the waning crowd before she turned to head the other way towards the back exit.

            No one approached or bothered her as she moved away from the hustle and noise.  They all knew who she was and what she was capable of.  The people of Four Crossings were many things, including greedy and murderous, but they weren’t stupid.

            Everyone knew that messing with Desdemona Quinn ranked right up there with messing with the devil.  Many people even believed her to be the devil.

            Des stepped through the back door of Club Moan and quietly made her way up the stairs to her office located on the second floor.  She could both feel and hear the pulsing of the music currently pumping through the club. 

It was Saturday so the club was overly packed, not that anyone visiting or living in Four Crossings needed to wait until Saturday to go out.  Club Moan was always packed, something that Des took much pride in.  Keeping an establishment not only open, but prosperous in Four Crossings usually required shady dealings and a lot of back door business.  But Club Moan was free and clear of all of that.

Des smiled as she strolled into her office, not flipping on any lights since she knew the layout like the back of her hand.  She shrugged out of her jacket tossing it onto a chair in front of her desk, then sat behind the desk, putting her booted feet up with a heavy thud..

“Why the visit, Arguletti?  Isn’t it a little late for an unannounced house call?”

            A tall form slid out of the shadowy corner of the room and took a step into a small patch of light created by the moon’s glow.

            “It’s nice to see you too, Desdemona.”

            Des’s mouth quirked up in a small smile.  If he thought calling her by her given name was going to get a rise out of her, then he really hadn’t learned anything in the five years they had been dealing with each other.

            “I don’t have time for your shit tonight, Arguletti.  I’ve got paperwork to finish and taxes to pay. So say what you came to say, then get the fuck out.”

            Tyron Arguletti quirked an eyebrow at the woman sitting so casually behind the large wooden desk.  One of these days he was going to pop her in the mouth for her rudeness.  Right after he kissed, and licked and bit those pretty lips first.

            She rolled her eyes at him as if she could read his thoughts and dropped her feet from the desk.  “So, it’s going to be one of those nights, huh?”  She waved a hand towards the chair she had thrown her jacket into.  “Might as well have a seat then.”

            He sauntered over to the chair and eased his lithe form into the tattered but comfortable seat.  He really was a good looking man, Des could admit.  With his chiseled features, piercing blue eyes, and muscled physique, he was most women’s idea of the perfect man.  But Des knew that beneath the veneer, beneath the tailored suit he wore and the easy smile, existed something akin to evil.

            What Des did, she did to survive and for the betterment of others.  Everything Tyron Arguletti did was for the sole benefit of himself, and to hell with anyone who might get hurt in the process.

            They simply sat there and stared at each other for long minutes.  Des had no intention of breaking the silence.  He had come to visit her, not the other way around.

            Realizing that she was content to sit in silence, he finally decided to speak.

            “Nice fight tonight.”

            Des snorted, “Yeah, it was a real showstopper.  Glad you enjoyed it.”

            Arguletti smiled at her.  “I always enjoy watching you fight, Desdemona.”

            Des narrowed her eyes at him.  “I’m sure you do.  So, what was your favorite part?  When he managed to split my lip or the elbow that cut my eye?”
            She saw his eyes sparkle and had to resist the urge to pull her gun out and shoot him right where he sat.  Of course, that would have led to more trouble than she needed right then, no matter how satisfying it would have been.

            He licked his lips as if he were savoring the memory, or licking the blood from her lower lip where she still had not cleaned it away.  “Both were…exhilarating, shall we say.  But I think I would have liked it better if he had been able to use the knife he had hidden in his boot.”

            Des simply smiled.  “He’s lucky I didn’t use his own knife to slit his throat.  But,” she shrugged, “the rules said no weapons.”

            “And you don’t cheat.”

            It was a statement but Des answered it anyway, “No, I don’t cheat.”  And they returned to their staring impasse.

            Des’s head hurt, her ribs were throbbing, and she really did have paperwork to do, but she refused to give in to this man who had invaded her office.

            Finally he sighed and sat forward slightly in the chair.  “Okay, here’s the deal.  There’s a shipment of medicine coming in tomorrow night at the main transfer station.”

            He waited for her to respond and frowned when she didn’t react to his opening salvo.  “It’s a legit shipment but our intel tells us that there’s something extra stashed in the load.  We need you to remove that something extra before the shipment arrives.”

            Des’s eyes glittered as she realized where this discussion was going.

            “You want me to do your dirty work for you so that you can claim complete innocence?”

            Arguletti sat back in the chair and steepled his fingers together under his chin.  “Let’s just say that this something ‘extra’ would be a danger to both of us and that it would be to both of our advantages if it weren’t allowed to enter Four Crossings.”

            “Not good enough, Arguletti.  I don’t go into anything blindly, especially not something that’s going to benefit you.  What is this something ‘extra’?”

            Arguletti looked like he was going to withhold the information but finally he sighed and shifted in the seat uncomfortably.

            “It’s a weapon.”

            Des’s eyes sharpened and she felt her heart rate kick up a notch.  A weapon that Arguletti wanted was definitely something of interest to her.  If he was scared enough of it to risk her having possession of it, then it was even more interesting to her.

            Then she realized something else.  “If you’re asking me to go get this weapon, then you must be pretty damn sure I won’t be able to use it.”

            Arguletti’s lips curled in a slow smile, “Now, Desdemona.  You know I would trust you with anything.  You’re honest to a fault and if pay good money, you’ll do a job correctly and fully.”

            She nodded her agreement with his statement but then added, “But I haven’t agreed to do your job, Arguletti.  What’s to stop me from going to get this weapon on my own?”

            Arguletti rose from the chair and tossed a small yellow envelope onto the table.

            “Because, my beautiful Desdemona, without the information in that envelope, you won’t be able to breach the security on the transporter. And if you accept that envelope, you accept the job.”

            Des looked at the envelope and then at Arguletti where he stood before her desk.  “What happens if this weapon makes it to Four Crossings on the transport?”

            Arguletti frowned as if surprised by the question but he answered her anyway.

          “If my superiors get the weapon, then Four Crossings will become a military state.  Everything that you own,” he gestured around the room, “will be taken away from you.”  He caught her eyes, “You won’t be able to do your good deeds anymore.”

            Des matched his stare then reached out and put her hand over the envelope without looking at it.

            “Delivered or destroyed?”

            Arguletti seemed to relax and the smile that touched his lips seemed more genuine.

            “Either.” He gestured to the envelope.  “Instructions are included.  I’ll see you in two days.”

            He didn’t wait for her response, turning and sliding out of the office without a backward glance.

            Des sat in silence for long moments, not moving, barely breathing, as she tried to quell the feeling that taking this job was a bad idea.

            Esmerelda Quinn stood leaning against the wall of her sister’s office staring at her older sister with a look of surprise on her face.

            “Did that blow to your eye knock your brains out too?”

            Des sat with her elbows on the desk, massaging her temples as she stared at the instructions for the job she had accepted.  Esme had returned from dropping the young girl at the transfer station to find Des mad enough to punch a hole in the wall.  Now she stood in the corner and tried to find a way to help her sister reason through the dilemma she had gotten them in to.

            Esme pushed off of the wall and approached the desk where she leaned one hip on the corner and crossed her arms over her chest.

            “How much will you get upon delivery?”

            Des didn’t stop her massaging motion, “Twenty grand, ten if I have to destroy it.”

            Esme whistled, “That’s a nice chunk either way.  Still don’t know if it’s worth it though.”

            Des opened her eyes and glared at her sister.  “We can’t let the government have this weapon.”

            Esme rolled her eyes, “I don’t disagree with that, but you don’t have enough information to go on.  Just because we know where the weapon will be and how to get to it, doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to destroy it.”

            Des didn’t respond, she knew her sister was right.  And then Esme spoke aloud the other fear that Des had been trying to ignore.

            “And what happens if you can’t destroy it and you have to deliver it to Arguletti?  What’s to stop him from using it for his own hostile take over?”

            Des glared at her sister but still could not argue the logic.  She knew Esme was right and she didn’t want to think about the ramifications of that.

            Then Des looked at her sister and spoke aloud the other possibility that had been running through her mind.

            “What if we can use it, Esme?  What if it gives us the leverage we need to really clean up Four Crossings?”

            Esme arched a brow at her sister, “Don’t you mean ‘control’ Four Crossings?”

            Des scowled and stood up to face her sister.  “You know we wouldn’t abuse the power.  Four Crossings is our home and between the government and the likes of Arguletti, we’re always wondering when we’re going to be pushed out.”  She turned and started to pace around the room.

            “Where would we go, Esme?  What else is out there for us?  At least Four Crossings is home and this weapon might actually make it the kind of place we want to live in.”

            Esme felt a twinge of sadness at the pain she heard in her sister’s voice.  She was all the family that Des had left and even though Four Crossings wasn’t the ideal place to live, it was all they knew.  They had worked together to make it as safe as possible but with their limited resources, and the effort it took to stay out of the path of the government, it was a no-win battle.

            Esme sighed and picked the instructions up from the desk.  It seemed simple enough and nothing the two of them hadn’t handled before.  They could pull the job off without a hitch, but the real issue would come once they had the weapon.

            “To destroy, turn over, or keep.  That is the question.”

            Des walked over to her sister and tapped the instructions.  “You in?”

            Esme didn’t hesitate.  “All the way.”

            Des smiled for the first time since Arguletti had left her office.  “You want point?”

            Esme snorted, “Not a chance, Sis.  This one is all you.  I’ll take lookout.”

            Des nodded, “Then I’ll see you in six hours.  That give you enough time to get the gear?”

            Esme folded the instructions and slid them into the back pocket of her cargo pants.  “More than enough.  You planning on getting some rest?”

            Des nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll try to pick up about four hours of sleep and something to eat.  Then I’ll check the van and get it ready for the trip.”

            Esme moved to the door and then paused and looked back at her sister.  She took in the cut that she still hadn’t treated and the bruise just starting to show up.  Despite the evidence of injuries, Esme knew that Des was strong, but she also noted the weary line of her shoulders, and the lines of strain around her eyes and mouth. 

            Her sister was pushing herself to her limits and it was only a matter of time before she broke.  Esme just hoped this job wasn’t the one that broke her.

            “I love you, Sis.”

            Des looked up with a startled expression and then she smiled softly.  “I know, Esme.  I love you too.”

            Esme strode quickly out of the office before she let her emotions get the best of her.  She had a lot to do and unlike Des she wasn’t going to get the time to catch a nap before they had to be ready to go.  She headed off in the direction of the club.  She was going to need a drink before she took on her list of chores.