Year 2, Day 44: 10/25/12

Clearer Vision: Today I attended a retirement party for one of the librarians at work (he has been here for 35 years).  The big surprise of the party was a belly dancer (we all thought they were joking).  The woman came out in her beautiful yellow outfit and the first thing I thought was "she's too big to be wearing so little!"  I immediately had to stop and think about that thought.  Where had it come from?  Who was I to judge?  I realized immediately that I had let societies views of beauty infiltrate my own brain and I was saddened by this.  I watched this woman who was not a size zero, dance around the room, engage with the audience, and smile throughout.  And what I realized was that she was beautiful, curvy, vivacious, energetic, and sexy.  All the things that I believe myself not to be.  I would never show up in public wearing what she had on - not because I'm too big to wear it, but because I lack the confidence in myself to wear it.  This woman didn't lack any confidence and she owned the room because of it.  Despite my best efforts I have let society infiltrate and plant negative thoughts in my head - my subconscious must have been holding on to those thoughts.  They came out today and I was severely disappointed in myself.  I can only hope to one day be as confident as that young woman was today.  Maybe then someone else will see something good in me.