Day 225: 4/23/12 - "Someday"

"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday"

Cruel to Be Kind: Yesterday I did something that most would agree was mean, even cruel.  And yes, I did it on purpose because it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to someone and being mean was the only way I could get them to understand just how serious I was.  But that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me as well, or that I don't have to live with  myself and what I did every day.  It may have been the right thing to do, but it hurt like hell.  It also meant the closing of a door for me, and every time those doors close, I find myself being pushed further and further into this tiny space where there will be no space to move, no one to talk to, and I'll be alone.

Mirrors: I go through periods of time where I don't look in mirrors.  Over the years, in my efforts to avoid having to look at myself, I've learned to floss and brush my teeth, wash my face, apply make-up, put my contacts in and take them out, and even fix my hair without having to look in the mirror.  I also dress and head out the door without checking out my reflection.  When those days happen, I feel as if I'm walking around with a huge sign over my head pointing at me and saying, please, make fun of her.  Hearing hurtful words every day can be very taxing for the soul...stupid...fat...ugly...freak...And no matter what other say to try to balance this out, you hear the truth, you know the validity of the words.  You look in the mirror and you see that same stupid, fat, ugly, freak that has always stared back at you.  So you stop looking, because its easier to pretend that you aren't those things when you don't have the evidence staring you right in the face.  Mirrors don't lie...and facing that truth is difficult to do, especially every day.  So cut me some slack if I choose to run and hide from the truth every once in a while.