Adventures in Kawanna-Land: The Miami Years: Day 242: 5/10/12

"I just wanna take

Someone else's holiday

Sometimes the grass is greener

And someone else's sugar

Someone else's sugar's

Sweeter...."

-"Sweeter" by Gavin DeGraw

Guilt Ridden: I've always said that I would prefer to know something rather than be blindsided by a piece of information. But now I'm starting to see the benefits of plausible deniability. And the guilt that comes with knowing something but not being able to do anything about it is still guilt, which means it still lingers and eats at you and keeps you from sleeping, or eating, or whatever it is you do in response. I won't sleep well tonight and I won't sleep well over the weekend, and I won't sleep well for at least 10 more days. Even when you know you didn't do anything wrong, that you didn't cause something to happen, it doesn't absolve you from the guilt you feel as a human. On one level I'm glad I feel this way because if I didn't, then I'd know that I had finally hit that point of not caring about anyone or anything. Now, how to get over the imagine guilt I feel for a fantasy I've been having for about a year now. Yes, I dreamed about it, thought it up, and hoped against all hope that it would happen - knowing full well that it would never happen. Now I'm one step closer to that fantasy than I ever thought I would get and I feel pretty damn guilty about it. I didn't cause this step to happen (my dreams, and hopes, and wishes don't have that kind of power), but it has happened and I feel responsibility for the sadness that is involved with my happiness.

Crazy Cake: So I finished the cake commissioned by my colleague (that is a lot of Cs). I'm not sure how I feel in the long run. On one hand I think I executed very well. But on the other I feel as if I didn't do my best or that I at least have a lot to learn (and I need to practice) to be better. But I do think I did a pretty nice job considering I have no training, am self-taught, and don't have the type of kitchen or tools that I really need to do this professionally. I've told the person to pay me what they think they cake is worth. I honestly think they could just have it for free - it needs work. But I do need to at least recoup my supplies. But I do hope they still like it! Here are the pics of the process and the final product.