Day 142: 1/31/12 - "Chances"

"Chances are the fascinations
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them and all I need"

-"Chances" by Five for Fighting

Taking Chances: Sometimes you just have to take a chance - step off of the ledge and hope that somehow, someway there will be something there for you to step upon, or that you'll land on your feet if you fall.  I used to be good at taking chances (very realistic, well thought out ones) but lately I've faltered in my self-faith.  I've allowed doubt to whisper in my ear and tell me that I can't do it...I should be afraid...I shouldn't even try...It's so easy to listen to doubt when it sounds so reasonable.  But not this time...this time I'll listen to that voice that tells me I am strong...that I can do it...that it's my chance to shine...that I should take a chance.

Nightmares: I hate it when I have nightmares, especially very realistic ones that leave you with very real, very visceral reactions.  And if one wasn't bad enough, last night I had two!  I'll detail them here, with the warning that the 2nd one was beyond scary and not something a lot of people will want to read.  Nightmare number one was very odd - I was sitting in a large, sun-drenched board room with others.  And we were all going around in a circle stating our name and our job titles.  When they got to me I realized that I had a job contract in front of me and I was supposed to state my name, my new job title and sign the contract. I remember the feel of the pen in my hand...the heat from the sun, the heavy weight of their stares on me.  And then I pushed the contract away and said "I can't do this."  Then I left.  Switch scenes, I'm now sitting at home with my parents and there is a knock on the door.  There is a man there serving me with a subpoena or summons of some type - I was being sued for breach of contract by the company where I had refused to sign the contract!  I remember waking up gasping and feeling as if I were being watched.  It took me a bit to go back to sleep.  When I finally did, I jumped right into my 2nd nightmare.  Again, a warning as this one was not something I would ever wish on anyone, in dreams or while awake.  I was pregnant but for some reason I was not equating the pains I was having with labor pains.  I decided I needed to take a quick shower, so I hopped in and turned on the hot water.  The next thing I know I feel a sharp pain across my lower abdomen and then the sensation of a baby actually being pushed out of my lower body.  Then I'm holding my baby but she's not breathing and I try everything to get her to breath.  I start screaming and trying to walk and then my father is there and I ask him to take me to the hospital.  Then we are in the car and I'm yelling at my father to drive faster but he won't...he just keeps going about 5 miles an hour and it seems the hospital is just too far away.  I keep trying to breath for my baby, keep crying, and keep yelling at my father.  Then we are at the hospital and they take her away from me...and tell me she is dead...that she never lived...that she never would have lived.  I woke up with a stomach ache and crying for the loss of a child I never had, but I felt the labor, I felt her small limp body, and I cried real tears for her.  Devastating!